i jhust puked up my retainher.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
