I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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