All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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