anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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