Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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