I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
