This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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