she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
