there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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