More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
where are my eyebrows?
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