When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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