I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
