I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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