Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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