do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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