Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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