wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize