I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
