and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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