I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
