Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You're a waste of cheezeits
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
