Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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