I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
