I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I think my moral compass just broke
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
