he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
