sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
