All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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