I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
then he tried to convert me to islam
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
