Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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