thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
