the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Randomize
