even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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