your parents love me but you hate me
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
