So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
