Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize