I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
