All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Life is so much better after having sex.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
