I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
this is an emotional support booty call
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
