This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
