i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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