...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
