end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
