he shaved USA in his pubs
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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