so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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