uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
