Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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