Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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