i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
