I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
