she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
