I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
