New low: just hacked my moms facebook
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize