it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
