I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We have started to decorate penises.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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