I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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