so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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