I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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