it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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