We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
