if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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