I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
this will be a night to untag.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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